no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
