I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
