Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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