I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
