I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
