I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm like, not good at living.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
