News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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