i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize