i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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