We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
