How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
