Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
