paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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