my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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