Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize