He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
