May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
