life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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