somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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