I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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