I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
