you didnt know i had herpes?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
