we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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