so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
