he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
