I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
