in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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