I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
