he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
