"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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