Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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