i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
