My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I smell stomach acid.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
