i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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