Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
