True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
