We're facebook friends in real life
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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