If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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