K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
