for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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