i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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