at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
