i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
