They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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