Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
