I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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