this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
