i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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