This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
