so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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