are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
