im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
