Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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