I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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