i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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